Thursday, August 25, 2016

jetlagged and happy to be home

Hello all,

So, no anti-anxiety meds needed since we came back. Everyone is happy to be home. My girl made soup for yesterday's breakfast and was happy to be praised for the delicious taste. Today, she made everyone a full breakfast, loading our plates with fried eggs and salad. Rice or bread was left up to the individual. Today's soup was also delicious.

Her sweet, generous nature is now beginning to reveal itself more and more every day. I think the trip to Canada did her good. She got lots of time to herself, but also had lots of attention, love, and fun. She met many different people and went to new places. She ate new things, although she wasn't crazy about many of them. She got closer to her brother because he was the only one near her age who spoke Japanese. She got closer to me and we had lots of fun in the pool at my aunt's place -- the same place I started bonding with my boy 7 years ago during his first visit to Canada.

I think I was more stressed out during the trip than anyone. I was constantly worrying if everyone was happy, although I had no need to worry. Everyone was happy. And now I am, too. Happy to back in my lovely house, even though it's frickin' humid as hades here.

Because the main purpose of this trip was to introduce my girl to the family, we didn't see as many friends as usual, but I cherished the great talks I had with the friends I did see. I got a lot of good parenting hints and assurances that we are doing fine and the kids seem to be happy. 

One thing that I think I might change for future trips is the living arrangements. We have been staying with the same friends for years, and I think we should consider imposing ourselves on others in the future. Our friends are great and have never made us feel less than welcome, but I think we have relied on their generosity for too long. I'm even thinking that we should consider putting money away every month so that we can stay in an apartment hotel and be more independent. Perhaps I'm becoming a little bit Japanese in my thinking and feeling, but I felt that we were somewhat of a burden to our friends and we have no way to repay them in kind until they come to Japan, which is unlikely. In an apartment hotel, we could buy and cook our own food and not wonder constantly (like I did) if the small amount of money I gave to my friends (that they would let me give them) covered even a fraction of the food we ate, or the energy and water we used.

Anyway, I'm feeling far and away better than I did before going home. I'm still jetlagged as heck, but hope that will be over by the weekend. We've been living together for a full 5 months and I think we've turned a corner.

Grateful to all of you who have been on this journey with us! Thanks for reading today's ramblings.

xo
M




Saturday, August 20, 2016

ups and downs

Hello,

Dad was admitted to hospital yesterday morning suddenly. He was having trouble breathing and then when he went to the toilet couldn't move and called my mom to call 911. Mom said three female paramedics (she described one as an amazon) arrived and revived dad, but they had to do a lot of work, so the doctors have decided to keep him in hospital for a bit. He was just about to be moved from the ICU to the AMA yesterday when mom and I arrived to see him around 3:30.

His doctor's name is Jim Nishikawa, so I wrote his name in my very childish kanji on the whiteboard under the English version . When Dr. N. arrived, he looked at it and said, "I'm Canadian and I can't read that" but later gave Dad heck when Dad admitted that he didn't like sushi. Dad was in good spirits and wanting to go home soon, but we suspect he'll be in hospital longer than he'd like this time because the paramedics had to do a lot of work on him this time.

Dad had indulged in a lot of salty restaurant food lately and that seems to have been the culprit. His bladder was enlarged and he had to be given diuretics and although he refused the catheter at first, accepted it thanks to the calm and logical demeanor of the nurse.

My sister is also in town, so we're working on healing some old family wounds. It's good timing. Although my dad has come through a lot, emergency visits to the hospital are becoming more frequent. Mom said she'd just paid the bill for the last ambulance the day before yesterday.

Both kids are doing great. They both seem happy to do nothing but relax and play on their tech or watch TV -- but we do drag them out to the pool at my aunt's, which they also love. My husband has taught my girl how to play Hanafuda, so they had a tournament last night. My boy had an issue with my girl last night about a missing toy, but that passed and all is well again this morning.

 I caught up on some work last night and had some alone time -- it's exhausting to be worrying about everyone -- and now my dad, too. On the other hand, it's a relief that the overwhelming feeling of doom I've had lately may have had a basis in reality. As I've said in previous blogs, I do feel deeply connected to my Dad and there are times where I'll feel sick and then my mom will call and tell me he's in hospital.

Everyone describes the kids as "good" and "beautiful", which is nice. I wonder if I should stop telling them what it's really like at home. I hate whitewashing, but maybe people don't really want to know the reality!

We leave Ottawa on Tuesday.I'll be going to the hospital every day to visit Dad until we leave, so won't be making any more appointments to hang out with friends I'm afraid. Keep us in your prayers!

Thanks, as always, for reading this meandering blog today.
xo
M

Monday, August 15, 2016

Week 2

Hello!

Well, it's been a busy time for us -- there is downtime most mornings -- my boy goes to soccer camp for half the day, then we pick him up and go to my parents' or swimming at my aunt's or out to meet friends. Yesterday, my parents took the kids for the whole day, so my husband I could go to Montreal to meet some very dear friends from Japan. My friends kindly offered to host our boy should he ever want to do a homestay abroad. My girl may not be ready for that adventure for another few years, but who knows?

The friends we are staying with remain fabulous and we are really enjoying our visit here. My boy is quite active and happy it seems, but my girl still likes to spend a lot of time alone. I was thinking about it today - she was surrounded by kids for years, and it was a loud and unsettling environment, so I won't deny her as much quiet alone time as she likes. For a while though, tired of her refusing my offers to do things together, I just stopped offering. Today, I figured I'll start offering again and give her the right of refusal, so asked if she wanted to go for a walk to a nearby shopping mall to get souvenirs. She said she didn't want to walk, so I'll go alone -- which is fine with me, because as you know, I like lots of alone time, too. However, last night we hung out together in my bed doing our own things -- she playing a game on her DS, me reading, with our legs touching, so we try to connect when we can. She's doing this new thing where she stands behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders and jumps. I'm happy with whatever contact she cares to initiate!

Both kids are using a little more English. My boy speaks it more, and my girl understands it more, which is great. We don't push them although it's obvious that my father gets annoyed and thinks we should have the kids fluently bilingual. However, the other day, my boy screwed up his courage and formed a whole question to ask my mother "May I have a diet coke?" My girl, not to be outdone, asked for grapes in the same way. She's actually picking things up really fast -- there was an English-medium daycare at the orphanage she lived in, so she has English in there somewhere!

Both kids got tons of cash from my generous aunts and we went to spend it toys. However, the kids still prefer their tech and don't play with the toys that much, although the boy likes his drone and does play with it a bit. I feel like my aunts gave them money for nothing, but what can you do? Maybe they'll play with them later.

I'm not seeing as many friends this time as I'd like, but I know you understand that it's a little more difficult when kids' needs have to be seen to, especially when those kids have a limited understanding of the language. However, I'll be back staying in my own apartment when I bring  students to Canada with me in February and will have plenty of time to socialize.

Still feeling anxious for no reason, especially in the morning. Spent the first 45 minutes of the day on the treadmill at my friends' place and will do that every day from now on. Still taking the anti-anxiety meds and will try to get something a little stronger, because these are for short-term use and I think I need something a little more heavy duty -- will work on that when I return to Japan. By the way, my GP, who is a facebook friend, checks in on me regularly, which is wonderful, don't you think? (he reads these blogs, too, so Hi, amazing Dr. K!).

xo
Mel




Tuesday, August 9, 2016

in the homeland

Hello from hot, sunny Ottawa!

Well, we made it, despite my girl leaving her passport on the plane (she asked to look at it before we landed; we forgot to make sure she had it with her when we disembarked). The woman at immigration in Toronto was amazing and even had someone from Air Canada bring the passport to her when they'd found it. When we went to transfer our baggage to the domestic area, the belt was stuck, so we had to go to another floor. There, we realized that the nice lady at immigration had kept one of our boarding passes by mistake, so I had to get another printed (freaked out first, naturally). We actually made it to our connecting flight just as they were boarding. Mom and dad gave us a ride to our wonderful friends' house, where we stay every year, and we all took melatonin and crashed.

We spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, hanging out with the folks, alternating between eating great food and relaxing at mom and dad's and swimming in the pool and eating cookies at my aunt's place. I had a mental crash Friday, compounded by everything, including jetlag, and begged my mother to let me have a responsibility-free day. She put me to bed, kissed me, I took two solanax and slept for pretty much the whole day. My mother is amazing. If you think I have a lot of energy and get a lot done in a day, I am nothing compared to her. She even took my girl shopping to get a bathing suit -- had to call all around town first because they are sold out at most places.

Yesterday, my boy started soccer camp. When we dropped him off, he shyly walked over the play area and I thought I should go up to the counselors and mention that he could comprehend, but not speak much English, but he told me firmly in Japanese to go home. He's shy, but really trying hard and we are very proud of him. He told us that one little boy talked to him a lot, although he couldn't respond because, as he said, "he's not used to speaking English yet". We hope that by the end of the trip, he'll be saying more. My girl slept most of the morning away because jet lag hit her hard. We woke her for lunch and then headed off to a water park to meet a friend and her son. We arrived much earlier than my friend, so the kids were fighting over the iPad, etc., and we had to do some mediation (had to do more in the evening, too). Finally, my friend arrived and the kids had a blast. When we had enough water park, we went to a nearby beach where the kids could actually swim. After that, off to McD's for dinner. I shouldn't eat anything there, but I did, and paid the penalty of feeling nauseous all evening.

This morning, my boy was not as eager to go to camp -- it took a while to figure it out -- he doesn't like to go so far in advance of the program starting  (kids can be dropped off at 8 although the camp starts at 9) because it's hard for him. I realized it and we decided we can leave 15 minutes before 9 and get there in plenty of time. Once he was understood, he cheerfully checked his bag to make sure he had everything, and off we went. What is amazing me to me is I still seem to be the one who tries to figure out why there's a problem. Beloved husband sees what's in front of him only (whiny kid) and deals with it in, shall we say, a less-than-helpful way. I realize from this that I might actually have a smidgen of maternal instinct -- I used to think that meant knowing absolutely everything about how to take care of your child instinctively -- now I realize it just means listening, feeling, and trying to get to the root of the issue bothering your child.

My girl is very calm these days and although has whiny bursts, they are really not different from my boy's whiny bursts, or indeed any other kid's whiny bursts. She is enjoying some, but not all of the food, but likes the cheese, giant chocolate muffins, my mother's lasagna, that my mother has no compunction about loading a sh*tload of whipped cream onto your slice of pie (with sound effects), and that she can lounge in bed for a good part of the morning and evening. Right now she's sitting quietly across the kitchen table from me watching Chibi Marikochan videos on the iPad and laughing to herself. There's a park nearby with a basketball hoop, so the husband will take her there while I try to get a little work done. This afternoon is power-packed with more playing - we're visiting an old friend and her kids for more water pistol action and then going swimming at 6 with yet another friend who has a very outgoing daughter. This will be nice for my girl, because so far, she's had no other girls to play with. Tomorrow, I have a meeting at Ottawa U program and will take the afternoon for myself.

Have you noticed that I've replaced "the girl" and "the boy" with "my girl" and "my boy"? I wanted to protect their privacy, but some readers mentioned that it sounded distant, so I've solved this situation with a simple pronoun switch. Much better, yes?

Have been having lots of good talks with friends about mental health, medication, counseling, meditation, what books to read, self-compassion, and everything I need in my life at this moment. Thank goodness there are so many understanding people out there and it's no longer taboo to talk about these things in public. People around me keep saying, "The kids are good! The kids are sweet!" and I think, "They are?" It's true! They are good, sweet kids, and I'm winding myself up worrying about what they could be doing or what might happen in the future rather than what is in front of me right now. Why "do I do this? I've talked to other parents (well, moms) who also do this.

Anyway, am working out a plan for myself for when we return to Japan, if I'm still feeling anxious or weepy for no reason. Many friends are mentioning good meds they are on and we know a Japanese social worker who lived in the US for many years who I might be able to schedule talking sessions with. If I can get a plan to get my emotional health back on track, things will be fine. I know it!

And the one person who is getting me through with the most support is my husband. Although he doesn't always know what to do, he does a lot and  reassures me that I can ask for help anytime! I couldn't do this or get through this without him!

Thanks, as always, for reading,
xo
M




Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Going home tomorrow!

Hello all,

In my favourite place in all of Japan -- Matsuzaki Starbucks, trying to slow down after having spent the morning finishing up the last of my marking and grading. Also proofread the first chapter of a thesis (I charge 10,000/hr for this service, btw) and am now sitting here with nothing to do but worry  that I still have to clean the house and pack, although I will spend more time worrying about those things than actually doing them, as is my wont.

I am starting to have a better understanding of the girl. Her moods swing on a dime, but the bright side is that if you wait a few minutes, you'll get something else if you don't like what you're getting now. Going quiet is working very well for me (and that's a new thing for me for those of you who know me); I don't engage in weirdness, but thank her for small things like picking things up, clearing up her own messes, and putting her dishes in the sink. Last night, as I went out to the gym I realized that one of those rubber earbud headphone things had gone missing and was searching around the driveway by the wee light of my iPhone. The girl said, "You can borrow mine", ran inside, gave them to me and when I told her I'd also forgotten my house key, promptly gave me hers as well. When I got home, I noticed she was absorbed in a tracing activity, so quietly gave her back her things and thanked her without making a big deal, because I instinctively knew I'd get a face full of something unpleasant if I interrupted her labours.

I still can't initiate physical contact with her, but if I sit next to her while watching TV, I'll find her legs pressed up to mine or her feet on my legs or something. But if I touch her, she'll jerk away as if burned. So, I don't. Once in a while, when she's calm, I can give her a quick pat on the back or the shoulder, but that's it. When she first came, I was reading a book that said, "Hug those kids! Pick them up and hug them all the time!" Of course, that author was talking about kids under 3, not tall, strong 12-year-old adolescents with traumatic backgrounds. Something important I've learned is that although it's important to read a lot, it's as important to pick and choose from the advice you get. Not all of it fits.

I want to thank everyone who takes the time to respond to the blog or send me an email or a quick text. Your support really means a lot. This semester has been the most stressful of my life and I'm damn glad it's finally over. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be all that I can be (damn those US military commercials) every darn minute of every day (damn Zen consciousness), and it's exhausting. The thing is, it's totally not necessary! Why do I do it? OMG, I'm a drama queen. That must be it.

Lately, a few friends said that they were in awe of me. Please don't be. The only time my brain isn't clicking away at 100km/hr is when I'm asleep. If I try to self-medicate with booze, I'll feel sick before I'll feel happy, so that's no longer an option. Like my mother, I can't sit still for long, so always feel like I have to be up and doing something or I feel guilty, guilty, guilty. Survivor guilt for outliving my twin? I know there are other people out there doing a zillion things a day because they can't sit still either.  Anyway, the only reason I take on so many projects is that I feel like I'm wasting my life if I'm not doing a zillion things a day. This is often why I list all the things I did in a day on FB -- to justify my existence. I don't admire people on welfare who sit on their butts and feel entitled, but it would be nice to feel allowed to be lazy once in a while.

Recently, the husband and I were talking about what it was like before my heart trouble started - like my mom, I would get up early and make breakfast for everyone, and then rush home after work and make dinner. Since the heart trouble, I do a little cooking during the week and some on the weekends, but have left it up to husband to do the lion's share. "I was lucky!" is what he said, because he knew he should have been doing a little more and fortunately he's happy to do more. He says he's lucky for other things, too. Because of my job, we have a beautiful house and enough money to go to Canada every year. Our children see more of their dad than most kids in this country and they also see an amazing relationship between their parents. We have so much to be thankful for. And yeah, I'm making it happen. Oh, what the fuck. Be in awe.

I love you all,
xo
Mel