So, last night I lost it a bit.
I was tired of the girl ignoring me, answering monosyllabically, and refusing any offers or overtures I made towards her. Finally, we sat down and I told her that I liked her, but I didn't like that she didn't talk to me. My strategy until then had been to leave her alone and let her show her feelings in
her own time, but I was wondering all the time what was going on. I'm
glad I took the bull by the horns. Later last night, hubby told me that she had said that she felt she was in the way. Poor thing -- she is also having doubts.
This morning, she chatted with me and made eye-contact. When she left, she sang out "bye!" and it was wonderful. Sigh.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Good morning,
So today the girl was a little less prickly than she had been in the past few days. In fact, both the husband and I noticed a tinge of softness about her. We can only hope there is a soft centre inside the hard spiky shell and that love, consistency, routine, and humour will blunt those spikes over time.
The hardest thing is for me not to blame myself for whatever it is I am doing/not doing. She has to go through this -- it's a normal part of the process and we were warned about it.
We move this Sunday. Now everyone will have their own space!
So today the girl was a little less prickly than she had been in the past few days. In fact, both the husband and I noticed a tinge of softness about her. We can only hope there is a soft centre inside the hard spiky shell and that love, consistency, routine, and humour will blunt those spikes over time.
The hardest thing is for me not to blame myself for whatever it is I am doing/not doing. She has to go through this -- it's a normal part of the process and we were warned about it.
We move this Sunday. Now everyone will have their own space!
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
testing, testing, 1-2-3
Hello,
Well, we're two weeks in and the girl is bringing full-on attitude to both of us, although she shows it in different ways. She likes to kick and punch the husband -- she actually likes him a lot, but still holds in a lot of aggression and needs to release it. With me, she avoids eye contact or doesn't answer questions. Last night when she came to bed, she was sitting hunched over on her knees with her arms around her head. I tried to rub her back, but she growled at me. I asked what was wrong, and she said, "I'm not telling you." I answered, "You're not telling me. Okay. Well, if you want to tell me, I'll listen" and left it at that.
This morning, she was a little softer. I realized that it's better just to do than say with her, so I will hold back my compunction to talk a lot and just quietly get on with things. I was cheerful as usual to show her that I'm not mad at her for her behaviour. She doesn't like to be pestered, so instead of asking her again and again if she had taken her morning meds, I asked her only once then simply put a glass of water on the table for her to take them with. I have to remember that this is a stage that she is going through and it's not personal.
It was rough with the boy at first -- for the first 6 months, he wouldn't let me do anything for him. I have to keep that in mind -- now he and I have a pretty nice relationship, and I must and will hope that the girl will eventually come around and let me give her the love and affection she needs.
Well, we're two weeks in and the girl is bringing full-on attitude to both of us, although she shows it in different ways. She likes to kick and punch the husband -- she actually likes him a lot, but still holds in a lot of aggression and needs to release it. With me, she avoids eye contact or doesn't answer questions. Last night when she came to bed, she was sitting hunched over on her knees with her arms around her head. I tried to rub her back, but she growled at me. I asked what was wrong, and she said, "I'm not telling you." I answered, "You're not telling me. Okay. Well, if you want to tell me, I'll listen" and left it at that.
This morning, she was a little softer. I realized that it's better just to do than say with her, so I will hold back my compunction to talk a lot and just quietly get on with things. I was cheerful as usual to show her that I'm not mad at her for her behaviour. She doesn't like to be pestered, so instead of asking her again and again if she had taken her morning meds, I asked her only once then simply put a glass of water on the table for her to take them with. I have to remember that this is a stage that she is going through and it's not personal.
It was rough with the boy at first -- for the first 6 months, he wouldn't let me do anything for him. I have to keep that in mind -- now he and I have a pretty nice relationship, and I must and will hope that the girl will eventually come around and let me give her the love and affection she needs.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
calm before the storm?
I'm feeling surprisingly calm these days, but perhaps it's because I'm living the life with the new family, rather than worrying about what it was going to be like once the girl got here, like I was before. The kids don't know it, but their bickering and squabbling looks like normal sibling behaviour and makes me smile; I realize that, as the song goes, everything's gonna be all right.
Took the girl to the ceremony at school today where the new teachers and students are introduced and the students find out who their homeroom teachers are. All 9 of the new kids and their parents (except for one brave 3rd grader, who was on her own), met in the principal's office to hand in various paperwork and be told the sequence of events for the morning. One 3rd-grade boy marched in, took a look around at all the moms and loudly said, "The principal's a woman!" The male principal, who was sitting as his desk was pointed out; the boy marched up to him, bowed, and gave his name. The principal stood up and bowed back. It was very cute. Then the boy came to the table to sit, took one look at me and said loudly, "Mom! There's an American here!" I responded with a smile, "I'm Canadian, yo!!"
Someone came in to take our all paperwork and line up the kids to take them to the gym for the ceremony. We moms followed and were lined up in the back of a very cold gym to stand for the duration of the ceremony (45 min) in which various speeches were made, the school song was sung, and the new teachers and students introduced. The girl was first, because she was the oldest of the 9 newbies, and said her name and her former elementary school in a confident loud voice (with the help of a microphone). After that, all the kids left the gym with their homeroom teachers to the motivating sounds of Exile's "Rising Sun".
The girl's teacher told me that I didn't need to go to the class with her, so I went to work and was back in time to be introduced to the new crop of 220 first-year students in my department. When my name was read out, I bowed, and, inspired by my girl, called out "Good morning!" to the new students.
I went to pick the girl up just before lunch. Her teacher met with me and told me that although she was nervous, the other students were kind and welcoming to her and she'll take part in tomorrow's entrance ceremony for the new first-graders (only the sixth-graders attend). As we left, one of her classmates said sang out goodbye to her, which was music to my ears, because she has no friends in our area yet.
I can't attend the elementary school entrance ceremony tomorrow, because I have to our uni's one and read out students' names. Wish me luck and no laryngitis between tonight and tomorrow morning!
Took the girl to the ceremony at school today where the new teachers and students are introduced and the students find out who their homeroom teachers are. All 9 of the new kids and their parents (except for one brave 3rd grader, who was on her own), met in the principal's office to hand in various paperwork and be told the sequence of events for the morning. One 3rd-grade boy marched in, took a look around at all the moms and loudly said, "The principal's a woman!" The male principal, who was sitting as his desk was pointed out; the boy marched up to him, bowed, and gave his name. The principal stood up and bowed back. It was very cute. Then the boy came to the table to sit, took one look at me and said loudly, "Mom! There's an American here!" I responded with a smile, "I'm Canadian, yo!!"
Someone came in to take our all paperwork and line up the kids to take them to the gym for the ceremony. We moms followed and were lined up in the back of a very cold gym to stand for the duration of the ceremony (45 min) in which various speeches were made, the school song was sung, and the new teachers and students introduced. The girl was first, because she was the oldest of the 9 newbies, and said her name and her former elementary school in a confident loud voice (with the help of a microphone). After that, all the kids left the gym with their homeroom teachers to the motivating sounds of Exile's "Rising Sun".
The girl's teacher told me that I didn't need to go to the class with her, so I went to work and was back in time to be introduced to the new crop of 220 first-year students in my department. When my name was read out, I bowed, and, inspired by my girl, called out "Good morning!" to the new students.
I went to pick the girl up just before lunch. Her teacher met with me and told me that although she was nervous, the other students were kind and welcoming to her and she'll take part in tomorrow's entrance ceremony for the new first-graders (only the sixth-graders attend). As we left, one of her classmates said sang out goodbye to her, which was music to my ears, because she has no friends in our area yet.
I can't attend the elementary school entrance ceremony tomorrow, because I have to our uni's one and read out students' names. Wish me luck and no laryngitis between tonight and tomorrow morning!
Sunday, April 3, 2016
moving along
Days to move in the new hours t-13
Last night the kids were acting as if they were true siblings, which made me smile, although they the boy was being deliberately annoying to the girl -- she was responding, in true girl fashion, by being very sharp and snippy with him. Glad to see that their relationship, at least, is coming along.
Actually, she said something snippy to the hub about me, and I was surprised, but took it as a joke. I had asked him to pass me a book and she muttered under her breath in Japanese, "Get it yourself." I didn't hear it, but the hub told me. I acted fake shocked. It won't be long before I get it full in the face from her -- she's been reining it in, I imagine! The other two have been getting it from her, so I'm the last one standing.
I feel two ways about it -- I'll be glad when she starts acting as she really feels, but I'm afraid of how I will react to her anger. I remember what it feels like to be an adolescent (truly, truly awful) and how I took out my crazy hormonal frustration and deep insecurity on my family -- particularly my sister and mother. I think one reason I didn't want to have kids for so long was that I thought I could never withstand the full force of that kind of hate. I'm afraid it's coming my way and I hope I have the resources to deal with it. Sometimes when the boy is whiny, instead of being the adult, I whine back at him or laugh to diffuse the situation -- which it doesn't really.
Anyway, I have to keep reminding myself that it's not personal -- that all kids go through this and that they need a place and people to vent at and family is convenient for that. But, oh, I hope I can get through it without a full breakdown! Hope I can be the adult!
Last night the kids were acting as if they were true siblings, which made me smile, although they the boy was being deliberately annoying to the girl -- she was responding, in true girl fashion, by being very sharp and snippy with him. Glad to see that their relationship, at least, is coming along.
Actually, she said something snippy to the hub about me, and I was surprised, but took it as a joke. I had asked him to pass me a book and she muttered under her breath in Japanese, "Get it yourself." I didn't hear it, but the hub told me. I acted fake shocked. It won't be long before I get it full in the face from her -- she's been reining it in, I imagine! The other two have been getting it from her, so I'm the last one standing.
I feel two ways about it -- I'll be glad when she starts acting as she really feels, but I'm afraid of how I will react to her anger. I remember what it feels like to be an adolescent (truly, truly awful) and how I took out my crazy hormonal frustration and deep insecurity on my family -- particularly my sister and mother. I think one reason I didn't want to have kids for so long was that I thought I could never withstand the full force of that kind of hate. I'm afraid it's coming my way and I hope I have the resources to deal with it. Sometimes when the boy is whiny, instead of being the adult, I whine back at him or laugh to diffuse the situation -- which it doesn't really.
Anyway, I have to keep reminding myself that it's not personal -- that all kids go through this and that they need a place and people to vent at and family is convenient for that. But, oh, I hope I can get through it without a full breakdown! Hope I can be the adult!
Friday, April 1, 2016
Miracles can happen
So, tonight when I came home, the boy was having a total meltdown. I couldn't go near him. Apparently, when he came home, the hub told him to clean up his desk and that set him off screaming and crying.
After some yelling, the hub left for a run. The boy came into the dining room, took out a tube with some certificates he'd gotten, banged the tube, pulled out the certificates, and began tearing them up. I was making dinner, but stopped when I realized how upset he was. I sat down next to him and did nothing while he ripped up the papers. At one point, when he'd stopped crying, I said, "That's a good way to get out your stress." He surprised me by saying, "I didn't want to do that, but I couldn't stop myself."
He began asking every five minutes when hub would get home. I had no idea, so I said that he was probably having a long run because he was also angry. The boy phoned him, and I was worried that he'd start whining into the phone and the whole thing would start off. To my surprise again, he said, "Dad? I'm sorry." This was the first time I'd ever heard him apologize for his behaviour. I was so proud of him and I told him so.
This whole scene was a good catalyst though. I realized while I was sitting with the boy watching him tear his certificates to bits that our lives had really changed, although I was trying to act like it hadn't. He is stressing out over having to share our attention with the girl and we both need to be around. I apologized to hub for escaping to my office rather than being home to help out with the kids. I will have a big talk with the girl tomorrow, too. I've been watching her and not really communicating. I need to tell her how we want her to be happy, but that it's going to take time for everyone to get used to the new situation. I want her to know that things are going to get better.
After some yelling, the hub left for a run. The boy came into the dining room, took out a tube with some certificates he'd gotten, banged the tube, pulled out the certificates, and began tearing them up. I was making dinner, but stopped when I realized how upset he was. I sat down next to him and did nothing while he ripped up the papers. At one point, when he'd stopped crying, I said, "That's a good way to get out your stress." He surprised me by saying, "I didn't want to do that, but I couldn't stop myself."
He began asking every five minutes when hub would get home. I had no idea, so I said that he was probably having a long run because he was also angry. The boy phoned him, and I was worried that he'd start whining into the phone and the whole thing would start off. To my surprise again, he said, "Dad? I'm sorry." This was the first time I'd ever heard him apologize for his behaviour. I was so proud of him and I told him so.
This whole scene was a good catalyst though. I realized while I was sitting with the boy watching him tear his certificates to bits that our lives had really changed, although I was trying to act like it hadn't. He is stressing out over having to share our attention with the girl and we both need to be around. I apologized to hub for escaping to my office rather than being home to help out with the kids. I will have a big talk with the girl tomorrow, too. I've been watching her and not really communicating. I need to tell her how we want her to be happy, but that it's going to take time for everyone to get used to the new situation. I want her to know that things are going to get better.
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