It's all good

Hello,

Well, it's amazing how far we've come with our girl and I'm preferring to be with the kids rather than away from them now. The girl has been awesome -- she's helping with chores, she's cooking, cleaning the cat box, washing dishes, and being fun to be with. There's little fighting these days, except when my husband nags her about homework, etc. She doesn't fight with my boy, unless he provokes it, which he does, but that's little brothers for you.

So, that's why I haven't written for so long. Things have calmed down to such a degree that the need to get my feelings out has mostly gone. I'm sure this situation will change when adolescence sets in full swing. My boy already alternates between calling me "okaasan" and by my first name -- pretty much 50-50 now. But that's okay.

So, we got through the worst of the testing period. There will be more, but now there is an undercurrent of love and appreciation among us, so that will keep us from losing it completely, I hope!

Thanks for all your support and love through this difficult period in our lives. We lived through it to tell the tale and are stronger for it. My advocacy for adoption and fostering in Japan continues!

xo
Mel

Finding the balance

Hello,

Well, motherhood these days is like a see-saw, where I'm trying to keep both kids happy. I read to my boy, then wash my girl's hair. I have to buy two of any treats to make sure there's no obvious favoritism. Of course, there are times when I slip a treat to one kid secretly -- at my school's festival, I saw the cutest kitty key chain made by a student, so bought one for my girl on the condition that she not say where she got it.

I can't believe how much she demands of me now. She really wants to hang out -- to watch videos together, to bathe together, and she likes to leave the house when I do now. I'm so happy about this -- it happened faster than I expected. My boy, seeing us getting closer seems jealous, so he's making demands as well. I find myself running upstairs to see to the needs of one kid and then back down the stairs to see to the needs of the other. I feel more like a mom than I did when it was just the three of us and my boy clung to my husband and I sometimes felt that if I weren't there, no one would notice except for less money and western food.

However, my husband is worried because my girl has to think more seriously about junior high school. She'll have to work much harder than she currently does if she intends to go to high school. She rarely does homework and will really have to buckle down. Now that she's more stable and happy both and home and at school, we hope she will be motivated to work. Sadly, though, JHS is the time when a lot of Japanese kids start refusing to go to school. We hope she'll stay in sports and want to be with her friends enough to stay in school. It is realistic for my husband to be worried, but for a change, I think he shouldn't stress out about it until it happens. Rare for me to be more relaxed about something than he.

My boy has put himself on a diet. He's eating less and at my recommendation, eating more slowly than he used to (and making sure to tell us that he did). I told him it's a combination of diet and exercise to lose weight and that it's better to lose it slowly rather than quickly. I think he really listened! Why is he doing this now? Could it be a coincidence that he likes a girl in his class?

I'm really enjoying being with the kids more than I used to. I no longer hang out at work longer than I really need to because I'm afraid to go home and hear yelling and fighting. It seems miraculous.

xo
M

it goes deep

Hello,

Usually, when my kids sleep with me, after they fall asleep, I whisper affirmations into their ears, like "We love you very much. You are strong. You are smart. You are amazing. You can do anything. We are always here for you."

My boy was sleeping with me last night and although he was fast asleep, he shook his head "no" both times when I whispered, "You are strong. You are smart."

The lack of self-confidence of these kids runs right to their core. I will start doing the affirmations every night, I think.

xo
M

One kid up, the other down

So,

Things with my girl have been going swimmingly of late. She wants to hang around with me more and more. Now she insists we bathe together (this is normal in Japan) and today we had a most lovely time shopping for dinner, which she prepared. She is sweet, generous, and very funny, and I'm enjoying being with her. She has really made us into a family, I think.

My boy, though, is now going through pre-adolescent angst and identity issues. Lately, he's been pretty hostile and disrespectful toward me, although he does it with a smile at times, pretending to be joking, but I know he's angry. He accuses Tatsuro and I of taking him away from his hometown -- last night, he said he wanted to go back by himself (I know he doesn't mean it). He's been thinking a lot about his birth mother lately and now fluctuates between calling me okaasan and by my first name. He's always been whiny, but he's stepped it up now and adds demands for things -- a new bed, a dresser, a mat for the floor, more money, a different house, a different car... the list is endless. Every day, he asks me for games for Christmas and tells me what he wants to do with the money he'll get for new years from Tatsuro's family. He's also eating a lot, so it's obvious that he's trying to fill a void with stuff or food. It's hard for us to tell him that won't work.  Last night, I listened to a litany of complaints, ending with "You're not my real parents." I knew it would come and frankly, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, but it's not nice to hear. He's defiant, but still babyish, so perhaps that's why it didn't bother me. He still needs us. However, I do get fed up sometimes and have to leave the room.

Last night, my husband wanted to do some role plays with the kids about what to do if they are being bullied, having money extorted, etc. While my girl was fine and gave very thoughtful answers, the role plays hit too close to home for my boy and he fought with my husband, cried, and left the room. Once he'd calmed down and returned, we were able to talk about what to do in various situations. My boy is very sensitive and is being teased at school. He acts like it's nothing when he's at school, but he shows his frustration at home. We are trying to find some strategies to help him. I was also bullied, as I have written, and like him, turned it inward, rather than facing the bullies or asking for help. We reminded both kids to go to a sympathetic friend, their teacher, or us, if they have issues -- that they are not alone. My girl understood clearly what we were doing, but I'm not sure if something went in for my boy -- he was clearly uncomfortable and kept jumping around while we were talking.

Both kids will have to deal with their respective pasts -- I think my girl has a better chance of coming out okay, although I doubted that before -- she's very sensitive, intuitive, and thoughtful. I just hope my boy will not start getting into trouble, although that's a normal part of adolescence, teenage years, etc.

The fun never stops!

xo
M

... but then...

This morning my girl and my husband had a blowout, and he said he could see by her face that she was having a flashback and that something bad was going to happen.  I think she hit him hard on the shoulder, and I could hear him telling her to leave the room, although she wouldn't. Happily, she got over it and was calm and cheerful by the time she had to go to school. There will be times in her life when something will trigger a bad feeling for her and she'll act out. We'll never be able to predict it, but hopefully we can act appropriately.

nothing to report!

Hello,

Well, feeling better and better each day. Starting to do more things around the house, as I mentioned in my last post, and doing them with a lighter heart than before. Today, I went to the gym after making dinner (right after breakfast) for later when the tutor comes over, and I also finished everything but the final seam on a hat I'm knitting for a friend.

Back in my office to prep for the next week, although there's lot of time. Procrastinating. No, I'll get to it. Yesterday, I prepped for next Monday morning's first class. Today, I will prep for next Wednesday (no classes on Tuesdays), and tomorrow, I'll do Thursday and Friday's classes. After that, I can work on the homestay course prep and my plan for my graduation thesis students.

The kids are great and last night was lovely -- I was sitting in one chair knitting, and the rest of the fam was on the couch: hubby reading a book, my boy playing with a cat, and my girl watching videos on the ipod while wearing headphones. The other cat was in top of the cat tower, so the whole fam was together -- co-playing, I guess! It's becoming more fun and less stressful to be together at last.

So with that, I go prep...

xo
M

Feeling normal

Today's blog is brought to you courtesy of a soy mattcha frappucino, solanax, and paxil -- which is finally started to have an effect, because I have felt more normal today than I have in months.  The anxiety, guilt, and stress built up over the semester to the point where I'd sit at my desk at work paralyzed by fear for no reason and crying (or in bed crying, or holding back tears on the treadmill at the gym). Thanks to the kind ministrations of Dr. K., we seem to have found the right balance. I am also grateful to many dear friends who have opened up to me about their struggles over the years and shared advice about meds and shown me not to be afraid of them. I also thank those friends willing to just listen to me tell my tale of woe.

It had to hit me sooner or later, although I was in denial for a long time and thought I could just will the daily assaults of negative thoughts, some very dark indeed, away through sheer thought power.  Several family members struggle with depression and now it was my turn for the chemicals in my brain to start misfiring, due to whatever trigger. Can't place it -- twin loss, too much new stuff  all at once (move, increase in work, increase in family), dealing with my own childhood issues while raising a troubled child -- whatever, I suppose it's enough to drive anyone to distraction.

Oh, but today, when I woke up, I felt NOTHING. Not zombie nothing, but no assault. No guilt. Should I get up although I don't have to? What hundred things do I have to do today? Nothing. Oh, my husband asked me to vacuum the house, which I happily did after emptying out the cat shitter as is my new daily task. It was amazing to just do things like I used to calmly and normally and with no feeling of being overwhelmed or any pressing need to feel worried that I was or wasn't doing something "correctly" and that the hammer would come down sooner or later.

People with depression, I get you now. I am one of you. I know how overwhelming the simplest tasks can be. I apologize to anyone who I ever got frustrated with for not being able to do the easiest thing or get organized or care about what you wore or anything when it takes a herculean effort to make it through the day when all you want to do is crawl back in bed and cry (while feeling guilty about it, naturally).

Thankfully, my husband is fine and getting lots of soccer therapy -- we go for walks along the beach once a week to chat about whatever (usually family) and that is a precious time for us. Lately, I've needed a lot of reassurances from him that everything's okay, and he assures me that it is. Now that I'm feeling better, I can start helping him around the house more (although he told me that even if I did, he'd find something to complain about anyway!) Yes, this is a side of him that only the family gets to see: grumpy pumpy.

The kids are doing great and we hear more laughing and singing than before. My girl has calmed down and shows her sweet side (mostly to me because my husband can't control his frustration over small things) and the cats have calmed us and brought us all together in the nicest way. My girl made it back onto the C team and now has basketball 6 days a week. It's a good outlet for her and she seems to be back with many friends she couldn't see when she was "demoted" earlier in the semester.

We got a tutor for the boy and he's very happy about that, so we can hope his grades will improve so that grade 6 won't be too much of a challenge next year. He is motivated by the thought of an iPod -- that will come after we see his next report card. The last one showed that although he does his homework, he was below the class average.

My boy has occasional burst of identity issue stuff and it comes out in requests for more cats, a younger brother (to be specific, for us to "exchange" my girl for a little boy), or more tech. We try to recognize it for it is. He is coming to adolescence and will start wondering more and more about where he comes from. Sometimes, I find him staring at me and I wonder if he's thinking. "Who is this strange foreign lady and why is she taking care of me?" etc.

This weekend is busy for all of us. Early tomorrow morning, the boys are going out of town for a soccer tournament, the girl has basketball all weekend and is staying at a friend's tomorrow night, and I'm off to Kanagawa tomorrow afternoon to present at a conference Sunday morning, then right back home. Monday is a holiday -- if my girl has no plan, will try to think of something fun we can do together.

How fabulous to just feel normal!

xo
M

additions to the fam

We got kitties!

Thanks to the quick work of Animal Friends Japan, we are now the happy family of Stripe and Shiro, a brother and sister of 5-month-old friendly cuties! The kids are wild about them and were more interested in the cats than the TV or their video games! Now, all the rooms, except the tatami rooms, are open so that the cats can explore. They were hanging out under the bed in my boy's room, but Stripe just came down, visited the kitty loo, and paid me a quick visit.

After several sleepless nights, I went to Dr. K. and got some Paxil, because the Solanax, while helpful, is a short-term solution and I had to accept that I needed something stronger and longer-lasting, He gave me the lowest dose he could (10 mg) and although warned of nausea, happily I am not having problems. It will take 2 weeks to a month for the meds to kick in, so I'm still taking the Solanax until that happens. I feel a lot better than I have in a long time and can deal with daily stresses and feel hopeful -- I haven't felt this good in a while!

The kids are great and things are going fairly smoothly. Everyone seems to be getting closer. My girl moved her toothbrush and toothpaste to the downstairs bathroom, which everyone uses -- before that she'd been the only one using the upstairs sink. She is showing her sweet side and taking more direction from me than before. I feel a lot better. She and my husband still get into rows -- he is quick to get annoyed and doesn't ask the kids to do things in a way that would make it easier to get compliance. Ah well. I've told him, but that's his way.

My boy has been creeping into our bed at night and for two nights in a row, she snuggled up to me, which he had NEVER done before. Bliss!

It's our 19th wedding anniversary today!

Thank you all for your love and support on our journey! Couldn't do it without you!

xo
M

jetlagged and happy to be home

Hello all,

So, no anti-anxiety meds needed since we came back. Everyone is happy to be home. My girl made soup for yesterday's breakfast and was happy to be praised for the delicious taste. Today, she made everyone a full breakfast, loading our plates with fried eggs and salad. Rice or bread was left up to the individual. Today's soup was also delicious.

Her sweet, generous nature is now beginning to reveal itself more and more every day. I think the trip to Canada did her good. She got lots of time to herself, but also had lots of attention, love, and fun. She met many different people and went to new places. She ate new things, although she wasn't crazy about many of them. She got closer to her brother because he was the only one near her age who spoke Japanese. She got closer to me and we had lots of fun in the pool at my aunt's place -- the same place I started bonding with my boy 7 years ago during his first visit to Canada.

I think I was more stressed out during the trip than anyone. I was constantly worrying if everyone was happy, although I had no need to worry. Everyone was happy. And now I am, too. Happy to back in my lovely house, even though it's frickin' humid as hades here.

Because the main purpose of this trip was to introduce my girl to the family, we didn't see as many friends as usual, but I cherished the great talks I had with the friends I did see. I got a lot of good parenting hints and assurances that we are doing fine and the kids seem to be happy. 

One thing that I think I might change for future trips is the living arrangements. We have been staying with the same friends for years, and I think we should consider imposing ourselves on others in the future. Our friends are great and have never made us feel less than welcome, but I think we have relied on their generosity for too long. I'm even thinking that we should consider putting money away every month so that we can stay in an apartment hotel and be more independent. Perhaps I'm becoming a little bit Japanese in my thinking and feeling, but I felt that we were somewhat of a burden to our friends and we have no way to repay them in kind until they come to Japan, which is unlikely. In an apartment hotel, we could buy and cook our own food and not wonder constantly (like I did) if the small amount of money I gave to my friends (that they would let me give them) covered even a fraction of the food we ate, or the energy and water we used.

Anyway, I'm feeling far and away better than I did before going home. I'm still jetlagged as heck, but hope that will be over by the weekend. We've been living together for a full 5 months and I think we've turned a corner.

Grateful to all of you who have been on this journey with us! Thanks for reading today's ramblings.

xo
M

ups and downs

Hello,

Dad was admitted to hospital yesterday morning suddenly. He was having trouble breathing and then when he went to the toilet couldn't move and called my mom to call 911. Mom said three female paramedics (she described one as an amazon) arrived and revived dad, but they had to do a lot of work, so the doctors have decided to keep him in hospital for a bit. He was just about to be moved from the ICU to the AMA yesterday when mom and I arrived to see him around 3:30.

His doctor's name is Jim Nishikawa, so I wrote his name in my very childish kanji on the whiteboard under the English version . When Dr. N. arrived, he looked at it and said, "I'm Canadian and I can't read that" but later gave Dad heck when Dad admitted that he didn't like sushi. Dad was in good spirits and wanting to go home soon, but we suspect he'll be in hospital longer than he'd like this time because the paramedics had to do a lot of work on him this time.

Dad had indulged in a lot of salty restaurant food lately and that seems to have been the culprit. His bladder was enlarged and he had to be given diuretics and although he refused the catheter at first, accepted it thanks to the calm and logical demeanor of the nurse.

My sister is also in town, so we're working on healing some old family wounds. It's good timing. Although my dad has come through a lot, emergency visits to the hospital are becoming more frequent. Mom said she'd just paid the bill for the last ambulance the day before yesterday.

Both kids are doing great. They both seem happy to do nothing but relax and play on their tech or watch TV -- but we do drag them out to the pool at my aunt's, which they also love. My husband has taught my girl how to play Hanafuda, so they had a tournament last night. My boy had an issue with my girl last night about a missing toy, but that passed and all is well again this morning.

 I caught up on some work last night and had some alone time -- it's exhausting to be worrying about everyone -- and now my dad, too. On the other hand, it's a relief that the overwhelming feeling of doom I've had lately may have had a basis in reality. As I've said in previous blogs, I do feel deeply connected to my Dad and there are times where I'll feel sick and then my mom will call and tell me he's in hospital.

Everyone describes the kids as "good" and "beautiful", which is nice. I wonder if I should stop telling them what it's really like at home. I hate whitewashing, but maybe people don't really want to know the reality!

We leave Ottawa on Tuesday.I'll be going to the hospital every day to visit Dad until we leave, so won't be making any more appointments to hang out with friends I'm afraid. Keep us in your prayers!

Thanks, as always, for reading this meandering blog today.
xo
M

Week 2

Hello!

Well, it's been a busy time for us -- there is downtime most mornings -- my boy goes to soccer camp for half the day, then we pick him up and go to my parents' or swimming at my aunt's or out to meet friends. Yesterday, my parents took the kids for the whole day, so my husband I could go to Montreal to meet some very dear friends from Japan. My friends kindly offered to host our boy should he ever want to do a homestay abroad. My girl may not be ready for that adventure for another few years, but who knows?

The friends we are staying with remain fabulous and we are really enjoying our visit here. My boy is quite active and happy it seems, but my girl still likes to spend a lot of time alone. I was thinking about it today - she was surrounded by kids for years, and it was a loud and unsettling environment, so I won't deny her as much quiet alone time as she likes. For a while though, tired of her refusing my offers to do things together, I just stopped offering. Today, I figured I'll start offering again and give her the right of refusal, so asked if she wanted to go for a walk to a nearby shopping mall to get souvenirs. She said she didn't want to walk, so I'll go alone -- which is fine with me, because as you know, I like lots of alone time, too. However, last night we hung out together in my bed doing our own things -- she playing a game on her DS, me reading, with our legs touching, so we try to connect when we can. She's doing this new thing where she stands behind me and puts her hands on my shoulders and jumps. I'm happy with whatever contact she cares to initiate!

Both kids are using a little more English. My boy speaks it more, and my girl understands it more, which is great. We don't push them although it's obvious that my father gets annoyed and thinks we should have the kids fluently bilingual. However, the other day, my boy screwed up his courage and formed a whole question to ask my mother "May I have a diet coke?" My girl, not to be outdone, asked for grapes in the same way. She's actually picking things up really fast -- there was an English-medium daycare at the orphanage she lived in, so she has English in there somewhere!

Both kids got tons of cash from my generous aunts and we went to spend it toys. However, the kids still prefer their tech and don't play with the toys that much, although the boy likes his drone and does play with it a bit. I feel like my aunts gave ｔｈｅｍ money for nothing, but what can you do? Maybe they'll play with them later.

I'm not seeing as many friends this time as I'd like, but I know you understand that it's a little more difficult when kids' needs have to be seen to, especially when those kids have a limited understanding of the language. However, I'll be back staying in my own apartment when I bring  students to Canada with me in February and will have plenty of time to socialize.

Still feeling anxious for no reason, especially in the morning. Spent the first 45 minutes of the day on the treadmill at my friends' place and will do that every day from now on. Still taking the anti-anxiety meds and will try to get something a little stronger, because these are for short-term use and I think I need something a little more heavy duty -- will work on that when I return to Japan. By the way, my GP, who is a facebook friend, checks in on me regularly, which is wonderful, don't you think? (he reads these blogs, too, so Hi, amazing Dr. K!).

xo
Mel

in the homeland

Hello from hot, sunny Ottawa!

Well, we made it, despite my girl leaving her passport on the plane (she asked to look at it before we landed; we forgot to make sure she had it with her when we disembarked). The woman at immigration in Toronto was amazing and even had someone from Air Canada bring the passport to her when they'd found it. When we went to transfer our baggage to the domestic area, the belt was stuck, so we had to go to another floor. There, we realized that the nice lady at immigration had kept one of our boarding passes by mistake, so I had to get another printed (freaked out first, naturally). We actually made it to our connecting flight just as they were boarding. Mom and dad gave us a ride to our wonderful friends' house, where we stay every year, and we all took melatonin and crashed.

We spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, hanging out with the folks, alternating between eating great food and relaxing at mom and dad's and swimming in the pool and eating cookies at my aunt's place. I had a mental crash Friday, compounded by everything, including jetlag, and begged my mother to let me have a responsibility-free day. She put me to bed, kissed me, I took two solanax and slept for pretty much the whole day. My mother is amazing. If you think I have a lot of energy and get a lot done in a day, I am nothing compared to her. She even took my girl shopping to get a bathing suit -- had to call all around town first because they are sold out at most places.

Yesterday, my boy started soccer camp. When we dropped him off, he shyly walked over the play area and I thought I should go up to the counselors and mention that he could comprehend, but not speak much English, but he told me firmly in Japanese to go home. He's shy, but really trying hard and we are very proud of him. He told us that one little boy talked to him a lot, although he couldn't respond because, as he said, "he's not used to speaking English yet". We hope that by the end of the trip, he'll be saying more. My girl slept most of the morning away because jet lag hit her hard. We woke her for lunch and then headed off to a water park to meet a friend and her son. We arrived much earlier than my friend, so the kids were fighting over the iPad, etc., and we had to do some mediation (had to do more in the evening, too). Finally, my friend arrived and the kids had a blast. When we had enough water park, we went to a nearby beach where the kids could actually swim. After that, off to McD's for dinner. I shouldn't eat anything there, but I did, and paid the penalty of feeling nauseous all evening.

This morning, my boy was not as eager to go to camp -- it took a while to figure it out -- he doesn't like to go so far in advance of the program starting  (kids can be dropped off at 8 although the camp starts at 9) because it's hard for him. I realized it and we decided we can leave 15 minutes before 9 and get there in plenty of time. Once he was understood, he cheerfully checked his bag to make sure he had everything, and off we went. What is amazing me to me is I still seem to be the one who tries to figure out why there's a problem. Beloved husband sees what's in front of him only (whiny kid) and deals with it in, shall we say, a less-than-helpful way. I realize from this that I might actually have a smidgen of maternal instinct -- I used to think that meant knowing absolutely everything about how to take care of your child instinctively -- now I realize it just means listening, feeling, and trying to get to the root of the issue bothering your child.

My girl is very calm these days and although has whiny bursts, they are really not different from my boy's whiny bursts, or indeed any other kid's whiny bursts. She is enjoying some, but not all of the food, but likes the cheese, giant chocolate muffins, my mother's lasagna, that my mother has no compunction about loading a sh*tload of whipped cream onto your slice of pie (with sound effects), and that she can lounge in bed for a good part of the morning and evening. Right now she's sitting quietly across the kitchen table from me watching Chibi Marikochan videos on the iPad and laughing to herself. There's a park nearby with a basketball hoop, so the husband will take her there while I try to get a little work done. This afternoon is power-packed with more playing - we're visiting an old friend and her kids for more water pistol action and then going swimming at 6 with yet another friend who has a very outgoing daughter. This will be nice for my girl, because so far, she's had no other girls to play with. Tomorrow, I have a meeting at Ottawa U program and will take the afternoon for myself.

Have you noticed that I've replaced "the girl" and "the boy" with "my girl" and "my boy"? I wanted to protect their privacy, but some readers mentioned that it sounded distant, so I've solved this situation with a simple pronoun switch. Much better, yes?

Have been having lots of good talks with friends about mental health, medication, counseling, meditation, what books to read, self-compassion, and everything I need in my life at this moment. Thank goodness there are so many understanding people out there and it's no longer taboo to talk about these things in public. People around me keep saying, "The kids are good! The kids are sweet!" and I think, "They are?" It's true! They are good, sweet kids, and I'm winding myself up worrying about what they could be doing or what might happen in the future rather than what is in front of me right now. Why "do I do this? I've talked to other parents (well, moms) who also do this.

Anyway, am working out a plan for myself for when we return to Japan, if I'm still feeling anxious or weepy for no reason. Many friends are mentioning good meds they are on and we know a Japanese social worker who lived in the US for many years who I might be able to schedule talking sessions with. If I can get a plan to get my emotional health back on track, things will be fine. I know it!

And the one person who is getting me through with the most support is my husband. Although he doesn't always know what to do, he does a lot and  reassures me that I can ask for help anytime! I couldn't do this or get through this without him!

Thanks, as always, for reading,
xo
M

Going home tomorrow!

Hello all,

In my favourite place in all of Japan -- Matsuzaki Starbucks, trying to slow down after having spent the morning finishing up the last of my marking and grading. Also proofread the first chapter of a thesis (I charge 10,000/hr for this service, btw) and am now sitting here with nothing to do but worry  that I still have to clean the house and pack, although I will spend more time worrying about those things than actually doing them, as is my wont.

I am starting to have a better understanding of the girl. Her moods swing on a dime, but the bright side is that if you wait a few minutes, you'll get something else if you don't like what you're getting now. Going quiet is working very well for me (and that's a new thing for me for those of you who know me); I don't engage in weirdness, but thank her for small things like picking things up, clearing up her own messes, and putting her dishes in the sink. Last night, as I went out to the gym I realized that one of those rubber earbud headphone things had gone missing and was searching around the driveway by the wee light of my iPhone. The girl said, "You can borrow mine", ran inside, gave them to me and when I told her I'd also forgotten my house key, promptly gave me hers as well. When I got home, I noticed she was absorbed in a tracing activity, so quietly gave her back her things and thanked her without making a big deal, because I instinctively knew I'd get a face full of something unpleasant if I interrupted her labours.

I still can't initiate physical contact with her, but if I sit next to her while watching TV, I'll find her legs pressed up to mine or her feet on my legs or something. But if I touch her, she'll jerk away as if burned. So, I don't. Once in a while, when she's calm, I can give her a quick pat on the back or the shoulder, but that's it. When she first came, I was reading a book that said, "Hug those kids! Pick them up and hug them all the time!" Of course, that author was talking about kids under 3, not tall, strong 12-year-old adolescents with traumatic backgrounds. Something important I've learned is that although it's important to read a lot, it's as important to pick and choose from the advice you get. Not all of it fits.

I want to thank everyone who takes the time to respond to the blog or send me an email or a quick text. Your support really means a lot. This semester has been the most stressful of my life and I'm damn glad it's finally over. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be all that I can be (damn those US military commercials) every darn minute of every day (damn Zen consciousness), and it's exhausting. The thing is, it's totally not necessary! Why do I do it? OMG, I'm a drama queen. That must be it.

Lately, a few friends said that they were in awe of me. Please don't be. The only time my brain isn't clicking away at 100km/hr is when I'm asleep. If I try to self-medicate with booze, I'll feel sick before I'll feel happy, so that's no longer an option. Like my mother, I can't sit still for long, so always feel like I have to be up and doing something or I feel guilty, guilty, guilty. Survivor guilt for outliving my twin? I know there are other people out there doing a zillion things a day because they can't sit still either.  Anyway, the only reason I take on so many projects is that I feel like I'm wasting my life if I'm not doing a zillion things a day. This is often why I list all the things I did in a day on FB -- to justify my existence. I don't admire people on welfare who sit on their butts and feel entitled, but it would be nice to feel allowed to be lazy once in a while.

Recently, the husband and I were talking about what it was like before my heart trouble started - like my mom, I would get up early and make breakfast for everyone, and then rush home after work and make dinner. Since the heart trouble, I do a little cooking during the week and some on the weekends, but have left it up to husband to do the lion's share. "I was lucky!" is what he said, because he knew he should have been doing a little more and fortunately he's happy to do more. He says he's lucky for other things, too. Because of my job, we have a beautiful house and enough money to go to Canada every year. Our children see more of their dad than most kids in this country and they also see an amazing relationship between their parents. We have so much to be thankful for. And yeah, I'm making it happen. Oh, what the fuck. Be in awe.

I love you all,
xo
Mel

moving along

Hello,

Was going through a bit of a rough patch lately. Went to the lady doc to rule out the possibility of hormone trouble, going to the cardiologist today to likely be told that my heart is fine (went back on the beta-blockers). The anti-anxiety meds are working their magic -- I've stopped resisted taking them and am getting through the day as productive as I like.

The biggest benefit is taking the time, with a clearer head, to talk about what's troubling me with my friends and especially husband, who is very sympathetic and strong and I'm able to hand over some of the more stressful things that I tend to absorb and he tends to let bounce off. I find myself walking out of rooms where yelling is happening, but responding to requests for conversation or play when they come. Last night the girl came to bed, said a bunch of rude things, but then played songs for me on her recorder and read me a bedtime story. I don't talk when she's being unpleasant, but thank her for the good things, like serenades and stories. This seems to be working.

Have realized many things -- may never get the affection from the kids that I crave or I might some day, but not in the near future. Or it might happen tomorrow. One never knows.

I can't hover around them hoping to make up for all the years they spent institutionalized and not receiving proper care. I can only create a calm, loving environment for them to develop and reinvent their own wheels. There is only so much I am responsible for.

I remembered Susan Sarandon's character in "Dead man walking" saying that a nun's job of loving everyone is work. I don't automatically love these children in my house, just by virtue of their being a) in my house and b) under my care. The bonds take years to develop and there is more annoyance than joy in most days, if I'm to be completely honest. We're working at it.

Oh, but when it comes... you'll hear about it!

xo
M

holiday monday

Feeling better, thanks!

That feeling of unease and panic I've been having just stopped last night. Weirdest thing. Then I heard that my Dad was back in the hospital. This is the third time I've felt really weird and bad and then my dad was hospitalized. I wonder if there is some kind of psychic bond between us and our family members. My mother was unsurprised when I told her about it and told me to let her know as soon as I start feeling this way next time, so she'll get dad medical attention sooner!

This weekend has been fairly quiet. The girl's friends all seem to be at a basketball tournament that the girl is not in, so she's been home bingeing on Doraemon and such, and we're not giving her too hard of a time for it because she's bored and we're tired and everyone needs to be left alone to figure their own things out. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, the kids will be fine. Actually they are very fine. There is the usual sibling bickering and such, but the big freakouts are getting farther apart and the girl is calming herself faster. We stay open to her, but I'm keeping a healthy distance when things get too weird because unlike the husband, who lets things bounce off, I absorb everything. But it's getting easier.

The girl eats constantly. I think it's age, but also self-comforting. She's active and slender and not sick, so we've talked about it and decided to just start substituting more healthy snacks for the cookies and such, and wait to see if she stops eating so much once she's calmed down more. We're still in the early days, we have to remind ourselves - the first six months are the biggest part of the test and we're almost at the end of month 4. The boy ate a lot, too, when he first came, and when he started refusing to eat sometimes, we realized he was feeling more at home.

Girl took me by the hand last night and led me into her room and told me to wait for her before going downstairs for her shower. I give her little pats on the back once in a while, but never for too long. I made her smile at lunchtime by saying, "Here you go, princess" (in Japanese) as I handed her lunch.

I thought all the door slamming and sour faces were being directed at me, but they really weren't. The boy is also rough and slams doors and stomps around -- I suspect it's the result of noisy institutionalized life. I realized by seeing what the girl was doing and not what she was looking like, I could understand her better. Like both kids, I'm also over-reactive and expect the worst -- the husband has bitchy resting face and that's hard for all of us! He's constantly bewildered by our accusations that he's mad at us!

Love to all,
M

what it's like

Hello,

Well, I seem to be calming down somewhat -- I'm back on the beta blockers daily and that seems to be helping with the random racing heart thingy. I'm still taking anti-anxiety meds, but only half every four hours and last night I didn't feel the need to take any because I did a nice, long workout and felt like nothing could bother me afterwards. In any event, taking care of my physical and mental state is helping me process the things that are troubling me.

Last night was the girl's turn to sleep in my room. She came in, with great ceremony said, "I'm not sleeping here", took her comic book, and left. We've had a weird few days since we fought on the weekend, so it's probably taking both of us time to want to be around each other again. Fair enough. This too, shall pass.

I am trying to connect with her when I can though and it's hit or miss. Yesterday, I made her breakfast and she accepted it, but this morning, I made a breakfast parfait for her; she took one look at it and said, "I don't want that." Instead, she prepared a bowl of cereal for herself, but claimed a stomach ache and left half of it in the sink and ran out the door, lying about having taken her medication. I did what I've seen many a Japanese mom do: be a martyr and eat the food left by the kid. To be honest, it wasn't that hard, because I tend not to eat enough for breakfast anyway, so I probably won't need to resort to snacks mid-morning. Silver linings.

I had a great chat with another foreign foster mom yesterday and connecting with her helped put many things in perspective. One thing is that our foster/adoptive family group here in Niigata really does try to help each other by bringing parents together to talk and share their stories. My new friend does not seem to have such a group nearby. Another thing is that many issues that plague us plague all parents, but we understand that the backgrounds of our children preclude traditional parenting methods -- while many of our friends and family members often try to offer "helpful" advice, they really don't know what the kids have been through and why they resist authority or traditional parenting. In addition, we confirmed the great ignorance surrounding fostering and adoption in Japan and that there really need to be more resources out there for Japanese foster parents, who, not knowing how to treat their foster kids, often end up sending them back to institutions or the welfare office. Finally, I realized how much I (and she) needed to talk to someone who understands about our situation -- especially when we are both limited in our Japanese ability and, of course, foreign. Networks are so important!

One realization that I've come to is that it's hard for me to be so disliked by the child. I went through a bad time of that at her age, and it's like reliving my own bad feelings. I have to tell myself, "You don't have to like me (although it would be nice); I don't have to be your friend." I'm the parent. And, as my friend Shawn reminds me, no matter what I do or don't do, she has to go through her adjustment period and that has nothing to do with me.

And it is getting better. She doesn't blow up so much; she gets up and dressed in the morning on her own speed, she is starting to remember house rules, and she closes the door in rooms where the air conditioning is on (like this morning). So even if she seems surly and negative, she's behaving better than before. Surly and negative. Typical adolescence, me thinks.

xo
M

back and forth

As I write, the girl is in another room singing to herself.

So, when I got home last night, the girl was back from her field trip, but was rude to me, name calling, complaining about English, and saying she didn't want to go to Canada. Knowing that she's freaky after a new experience, I usually let it roll off, but yesterday, I was really tired and stressed and although I didn't respond to her directly, made angry faces at my husband. Usually, we have family movie night on Friday night, but she wanted to watch children's anime, so the boy and I watched Christmas Story on my mini-DVD player in another room. Afterwards, I thought it was better for all of to end the evening together, so the boy and I went into the same room as the girl and did our own things -- she watched her anime, the boy watched different stuff on the iPad and I read a book.

I went to bed first, because I was exhausted -- I thought the kids would stay up longer, but to my surprise they both went to bed, too. The girl came to my room to confirm that she wouldn't be sleeping with me, because it's Dad's night to, but I said we could change nights if she really wanted to. "The boy will complain if I do," she said (which is true), so she went to her own bed. I sent her a message wishing her a goodnight. We exchanged emojis for a bit and then she called me and we wished each other goodnight in warm voices.

This morning, she woke up in a good mood, ate breakfast cheerfully, and since she has no sports today and I have the morning free, I offered to take her to shopping because some of her clothes are decidedly old and falling to pieces or have dirt in them that will never be removed, no matter how much we wash them. At first she declined, but when I offered to buy her a manga she agreed to it, so we'll head out in about an hour.

The boy was in a very bad mood, however. It's raining, so usually a message will come from the family driving him to soccer practice saying that the practice is cancelled, but no message came. He was annoyed because the messages are generally relayed through the husband who has to work today and couldn't get away to confirm. I told the boy to simply put on his soccer clothes and if his ride didn't come at the pick up time, he could change back into regular clothes, but he preferred to pitch a fit, blame my husband for not being here, and yell at me for nagging. I said, "It's up to you" and left the room. I heard him go up to his room and change. No one showed up at the appointed time, so he's changed back into his regular clothes and will go out to play. His mood is decidedly better.

As I've written before, I'm reacting more strongly than usual and need help from meds for the time being. When I'm calm, I think about what goes on and why I react so strongly to the kids sometimes. For them, it's the same old nonsense and their moods change on a dime. The problem for parents (well for me, anyway), I think, is that we remember and hold on to everything. Lately, I find myself anticipating the potential bad moods of the girl, instead of just expecting normality and reacting when I need to react. Gotta learn how to do something about that!

xo
M

More on the stealing thing

Okay, so last night I noticed that 1000 yen (about 10 bucks) was missing from my wallet. I'd forgotten to put my purse away and had just hung it on a chair in the kitchen. While I was having a shower, the girl came in and said she wanted to meet a friend in the park, but would be back by 6:15 -- I looked at the clock in the shower and saw that it was already 5:50, but let her go.

Later that evening, I looked in my wallet and found the money missing. I knew for sure that I should have had 7000 yen in there because I had paid my departmental association fee of 3000 yen from a 10,000 yen bill before leaving the campus.

I called the husband, who called the kids into the room. I said that I knew money was missing from my wallet. I asked the boy, husband, and girl in that order if they had taken it. The boy and husband denied it; the girl said nothing. I told her I knew she'd taken it and would she please put it back. She stood silent. After a time, I told the boy to leave, because he was playing with his wallet and I that wasn't helping the situation. While the husband sat silent, I told the girl that I knew she had a good heart, but was doing bad things. I told her that we loved her and knew that she was smart enough to know from right and wrong. I pleaded with her to do the right thing and return the money to me. She stayed silent and standing and I was sitting on my bed, giving her straight eye-contact. I never got mad or raised my voice. I told her I knew she felt she needed more money, but that taking it was stealing and that I was disappointed and sad because I want to trust her.

Between my words there were long patches of silence where we just looked at each other. She shifted around, looked at the floor, and scratched at herself, but said nothing. Finally, she said to both my husband and I, "I took it; I'm sorry."

I thanked her for that and told her that was half of what was necessary. I told her I was very happy that she admitted it and apologized, but she had to return the money. Several times I urged to go to her room and just get it and this would all be over, but she wouldn't budge. Finally, I told the husband to go, because he looked heavy and I had a feeling that she would say something to me that she might not say in front of him.

After a while, and much throat clearing, she said again that she was sorry that she'd taken it, but had spent it, so couldn't give it back. I asked her where she used it and she told me the convenience store. So, that was where she went while I was showering earlier.  I thanked her again for her honesty. She went to her room and played her piano, and I listened through the wall (I had asked for a concert earlier before all this happened), but I didn't leave my room and didn't talk with her again except when she came to my door to apologize one more time. Before going to sleep, I sent her a text telling her I loved her and to have a good sleep.

This morning, as we always do, we started again. I sent her a phone message greeting her and asking if she wanted a cereal and yoghurt parfait for breakfast. She came down, ate, took her meds and went to school.

When I arrived at my office, I put my hand in the outer pocket of my purse and found 210 yen that hadn't been there yesterday. I guess she had some change left from her shopping expedition and put it back when I wasn't looking this morning. I'm very proud of her. I sent her a text simply saying "thank you" and will leave it at that.

This is been a stressful time and has been taking a toll on me emotionally, so I've decided it's no shame to go back on the anti-anxiety medicine full time again until things calm down a little more. It was hard, too, with the boy at first, but I don't remember... I guess it's like forgetting the pain after the pregnancy and deciding to have another child!

Thanks for reading and for your support, as always!
xo
Mel

protecting the heart

Hello,

First, thanks for everyone in Hiroshima last weekend who told me they were reading my posts and asked me about the family. Special thanks (and you know who you are) to someone who shared her family trials with me, showing me that it's good to talk about the hard side of parenting, and that every family goes rough times. What I took from our conversation is that no matter what we do or don't do, our children have their own paths to follow.

This post is called "Protecting the heart". I did not enjoy childhood at all. I felt misunderstood, alone, and was bullied severely (as I have mentioned), which made me create a sturdy wall around myself -- for years, I was loathe to let anyone in, and that resulted in serial monogamy until I met my husband, the first person I could let in because he made me feel that he liked me the way I was and he truly made me want to be a better person because of his belief in me (not to say that any previous people I was involved with didn't feel the same way, but I was too busy protecting myself that I didn't notice).

In Japan, it's easy to let your guard down. As a foreigner, you are judged by different standards, and because people value harmony, they rarely get in your face, although they will talk about you and speculate behind your back, just like anywhere else. Because of this lack of confrontation, I've been letting my guard down more and more over the years. In fact, I'm pretty open-hearted now and let everything go in, good or bad.

And with the kids, I feel it's important for me to have an open heart and to keep it that way, so that they will feel I'm there for them. However, the girl tests my heart every day with her bad words and violent actions, and although things are really, really improving, I'm finding myself relying on the anti-anxiety meds more and more because I'm a naturally nervous person and I tend to imagine worst-case scenarios even when there's no reason to. This morning, for example, I was just sitting at my desk overwhelmed with dread. I took half a med and now I'm chilled (I'm also menstruating, so my hormones are crazy, too -- yes, still menstruating weeks shy of 53 years old) which I'm sure doesn't help much. I'm finding it a little difficult to find things to be happy about our look forward to at times like this, but I have my own roller coaster to ride, I guess!

Anyway, any guidance on how to keep one's heart open while not letting in the bad stuff would be greatly appreciated!

All over da place

So, I spent most of yesterday in a panic thinking about how we were going to deal with the issue of the girl stealing. First, she took money from my son, then my husband, and finally me. We've been keeping our money safe now and hiding it from her, but we have to address the issue in a way that won't escalate tension. This is our plan: talk to the son beforehand and tell him to just be quiet during the family meeting. We start with a discussion on allowances asking "Do you have enough money?" Of course, both kids will say they don't. Then we will say, "You get money for birthdays and new years. Also, you get a base of 1000 yen a month and you can work for a maximum of 1000 yen more by doing English sheets or housework. Let's work together to figure out the value of things like washing dishes, sweeping the floor, etc. And, if you have a school trip or ｓｏｍｅ special outing, you can ask for more money. However, we noticed recently that money seems to be missing, which makes us sad because we want to trust everyone, so please don't just take it because that's a bad habit and a crime and it's not nice to take money from people who have worked hard to earn it."

We will also tell the kids to keep their own money in a safe place and to count it to make sure nothing is missing and that we will start doing the same thing.

We figure this is the best way to deal with the situation because I've read that foster kids steal because they don't like being dependent on people they don't trust yet and they are afraid for their own survival. The fact that the girl spends the money soon after taking it shows that she knows it's bad and she probably wants us to stop her. I did a lot of reading and it said that a direct confrontation will result in lies and denials.

We also told the caseworker and hope she can give us some more helpful advice.

So that's one thing.

The good news is that we visited the school yesterday to talk to her regular teacher and her special ed teacher and both of them said she was making great strides, had lots of friends, was showing her personality in class in a good way, and seemed to be much different than she was in April when the semester first started.  There are still bumps here and there, but not with the same intensity and frequency as before. The caseworker attributed it to her being in our family (the girl refers to us as her parents apparently -- we had no idea because she still doesn't call us by name, but that might be so she doesn't stand out like she did when she was living in the orphanage -- however, it's good, right?). They are concerned about her studies a little bit, but are content to wait for her to settle down further. I'm thinking of offering a part-time job to one of my students to be a "homework coach"to help her along (and the boy if he needs it).

We were so happy to hear that news, that we bought treats for dinner, but had a face full of anger from her because she wanted to go to a festival unsupervised with friends and we said no way. She kicked and punched us a bit and walked away from dinner, but played piano loudly in her room until she'd calmed down, then ate a bit, went out and played basketball in the driveway with the husband, and came in and ate some more and invited me to play Uno with her over dessert. After that, she took out her homework and spent about an hour on it, which was, frankly, unbelievable. She came to sleep with me very late and kept turning the lights off and on and singing loudly until I took the remote control from her (by force, but making a game of it).

She is really forcing me to parent her and damn if I'm not doing it. Hard work, but it seems to be worth it -- I kept wiping my eyes in the principal's office yesterday, because I was overwhelmed by all the good news.

No point reinventing the wheel

I was going to write something along these lines, but someone has already done it.  I also learned some new things from reading this.

http://scienceblogs.com/casaubonsbook/2013/03/12/what-foster-parents-wish-other-people-knew/

meditation rocks

Hello lovely readers!

So, as you saw from the last few posts, we've been struggling hard with the girl, trying to figure out the best thing to do, which is hard when there's a whirlwind. To be honest, the weekend was very hard for me to be home all the time because the hub was out doing soccer stuff, and even after work yesterday, I felt jumpy, nervous, and afraid to go home. I was worrying constantly about what I was going to find there. Would she be good? Would she be in a bad mood? Would I have to discipline her and reap the consequences? Would I get punched or kicked or called nasty names?

I really felt I needed some help. I do meditations each night and decided to find something to help me. My idea was that I needed some kind of self-protection, but still a way to keep my heart open so that I could block the bad things, but not shut myself off completely so that the good things wouldn't go in either. I found a meditation by Judith Orloff called "Angel protection". In the meditation she lets the listener define "Angels" as they wish -- if someone is religious, then they could use familiar biblical depictions, if someone is not, they could imagine any kind of divine presences or angels as ancestors, which is what I chose to do. Some things she said really resonated with me during the meditation and I truly truly needed to hear them; she said, "You are not alone. You have never been alone. These angels have been with you from when you were born and they will be with you your whole life and until you pass on to the next plane of existence." When I heard this, I felt a whole shift because this was really at the core of everything for me.

When I was about the girl's age (12), I was bullied severely at school. No one was available to help me at that time, and I clearly remember thinking to myself , "No one is there for me. I can never rely on anyone else. I have to take care of myself." This was always behind my ambition -- to fiercely guard my independence so that I can't be hurt so badly again. And although my husband is fantastic and I have many friends, I couldn't always trust that they will always be there for me.

So, when I heard Judith's words, I felt my heart swell, tears streamed down my face, and I truly felt that I wasn't, and never had been as alone as I'd always thought,  although I just couldn't see it. My husband, for one, is completely there for me, as are my friends and family.

This shift has already had a positive consequence on the family. By feeling this way, by feeling helped, I could let go of some of the negative emotions and start feeling and acting positive, honestly positive, again. Lately, the girl's been coming in demanding to sleep in my bed, but I could only offer her half my side because I was leaving the other half of the bed free for the husband. And I honestly also didn't want her in my bed because I wanted to have one place in the house to myself. She would end up kicking me to make me move over and when I wouldn't, she'd start saying nasty things and leave. So, I talked to the husband and he thought it was a good sign that she wanted to sleep in my room and that he would sleep somewhere else in the house (he can sleep anywhere, any time and in any position, so I don't need to feel guilty).

Last night, when she came in, I patted his side of the bed and said, "Come on in". In the dark, she was talking to herself -- usually, I'd get annoyed and say something like, "If you're going to make noise, go back to your room", but instead I stayed quiet and listened to her. She was conjuring up some wild scenario, talking quickly, and doing different voices and I couldn't stop myself from laughing, tired as I was. Instead of thinking, "She's noisy", I thought, "She's really happy!" Nothing bad happened.

After she fell asleep, I went downstairs to tell the husband what had happened, especially about the funny stories she was telling. He said, "It's part of her mental disorder," acknowledging that she was very smart and creative when she did that.  I said, "I think people are starting to think of those things as gifts rather than handicaps; why don't we think of it that way, too? I'm going to think of it that way."

This morning, she was calm and cheerful. She told jokes at the table. She didn't sit with one foot on the chair and her knee up, which the husband is always telling her off about; she didn't whine or fight. She told funny jokes, ate her breakfast, packed up her stuff and went to school. Didn't brush her teeth, though. But baby steps, baby steps.

Talkin' bout last night

So, the girl was pushing my and alternatively the hubby's buttons all night. The atmosphere was charged and it was pretty unpleasant. She asked me to play a game with her, but changed the rules to suit herself and got mad when I won. She wasn't listening to any explanations about fairness or following rules, so threw the cards down. I packed them up and went back to my book. Then she asked to play a different game, so I put my book down and we tried that. It was going well, then hubby came home and she jumped up to play with him.

They went out for some shopping and when they came back, I could see he was really stressed out and on edge. She was pouring juice into a sake cup for fun right next to my head and intentionally squirted some on my face. I ran to wash it off and she followed me shouting "I'm sorry" in a not very sorry way. I look my book and went to my room, because I was afraid of what I might say.

Hubby followed to put up a new bar for hanging clothes in the closet. He looked quite stressed out, so I imagined their shopping trip was not very fun. She came in and began yelling. She smelled quite bad, to be honest, so I told her to take a bath. She wanted to sleep with me in my bed and I told her she could if she washed herself first. She started kicking and punching and name calling. To both of us.

Hubby had to pick up the boy from soccer. The girl kept yelling at me, throwing my stuff around the room, banging on the walls, turning the lights on and off, and storming out the door, slamming it behind her. But she kept coming back. I asked her, "What do you want?" but she wouldn't answer, saying she couldn't understand me. Finally, I realized that I should just sit quietly and stop fighting -- she was obviously picking a fight to justify whatever bad feelings were swirling around inside her, provoked by something I'll never know or understand, so I sat. She kicked me in the arm a few times, threatened me with the iron pole that was still not put up in the closet, but I sat quietly and said nothing. She finally stopped, flopped on the bed, said a few more rude things and promptly fell asleep. I covered her up, went downstairs to commune with the hubby and went back to bed.

This morning, like all the times before, it was as if nothing had happened. I greeted her cheerfully, made part of her breakfast for her, and all was peaceful.

It was awful, but there is a part of me that is beginning to detach a bit and see that this is a pattern and that after the storm, the sun rises again. We keep a calendar to mark the stormy days and they are getting further apart. We have to remember that she is driven by forces that we have no idea about. By her not going to her own room last night, she sent a clear message that she needs us when she is in distress and that we are doing the wrong thing by turning her out.

Hard lessons. Tough teacher!

xo
M

taking my space

So, those of you who know me know I tend to move in the world of extremes. Japan has taught me a lot about grey areas, but they are still hard for me to navigate, so what guides my day-day-day is the feeling that I should be doing things perfectly and mindfully. Everything. Teaching classes, interacting with the kids, doing my research. I berate myself for the time I spend in front of the computer playing solitaire between tasks, and yet I do it. I deserve a break, but what about all those things I could be doing instead, like prepping classes for next week, writing conference proposals, or polishing up that book chapter that I won't need to submit for, oh, about a year from now.

One of the hardest things for to pull away from right now is that idea that everything I say and do (or don't do) will have the profoundest effect on my children and will send them scampering off to the shrink as soon as they can afford to. Thanks to the girl's current shrink and former caregivers, I have been assured that it will take between 1-2 years before the girl realizes that she's made the right decision in coming to live with us. There's not a damn thing I can do. My friend Shawn assures me that "You can be the best parent in the world and you won't be able to do anything until she's ready."He says that the best thing to do is make the kids feel safe and loved. We are doing that. And feeding the hollow-legged monsters, let me tell you. Will have to get another part time job just to support the amount of milk that gets consumed every week.

Back to the shrink, caregiver, my pal Shawn, and another friend who shared her story with me (I wrote about her in the last post, I think). These words have freed me. Now, instead of hovering around the kids wondering if they need/want anything, I do what I really want to do: lie down on the couch and read a book after working all day. And if a kid wanders in and asks to play a game, for me to listen to their homework reading, or read to them, I put down my book and do it. I do what I want until they want to do something with me. Then I do that.

And things have calmed considerably. Last night was amazing. While I read my book on the couch, both kids sat at the kitchen table and did homework while hubby cooked dinner (so you don't think I'm a lazy ass, I did make miso soup and the rice was already cooked). After dinner, the boys went out to play soccer in the park, so the girl and I played Uno (her rules) and had fun taking pictures of her with snapchat. When the boys came back, both children wanted to play Uno, so we did that. No fighting which was amazing.

I'd hoped to go to bed early, but the boy begged for a bedtime story. I read it and while doing so, the girl got into bed, pressed right up against me and read her book. When I finished reading to the boy, the girl decided to read two very moving books to me. She feel asleep pressed up against me.

How I'd waited for this! Now it's here and sooner than expected (I thought i'd have to wait a year). Mind you, I tried ruffling her hair and she got mad and told me to cut it out very loudly. The cuddling will be on her terms. I must just sit back and let her come to me -- like one of those cats who likes to sit on your lap, but jumps off if you pet it. The boy was like that, too.

Feeling more like myself than I have since we moved into the new place. I guess it takes 3 months for everyone, not only the kids, to get used to the new situation.

Learning curve

Hello,

So, as you can see from my FB posts, it's been real learning curve with the girl. I feel as though I really am a parent now -- although the boy has been with us for 7 years, hubby has done so much with him that I often felt I was only necessary for rent, bills, and cooking. Hubby assures me that's not true, but I have never felt really close to the boy -- there is a limit to how far he will let me "in", and that will likely be true throughout our relationship. However, I'm starting to see a heart-bond with the girl that I believe will be strong. There are glimpses of it -- last night we started doing some English literacy and phonics exercises and it was quite wonderful to work with her and show her the joy of learning. To see her face light up when I praised her for her work. To see her go the extra mile with the activities and do more than required.

Being an adoptive/foster parent is very different from being a biological parent, I think, especially when the adopted/fostered kids come to you at an older age. One of the biggest differences for me is realizing that the natural undercurrent of love that exists between birth parents and their children may take longer to form between adoptive/foster parents and children or it may not happen at all. It took 5 years for the boy to hold my hand of his own volition. Recently, a friend who had survived abusive foster homes, revealed to me that it took her 10 years to kiss her adoptive mother. My point is that when the storms arise, as they do with pre-teens (and I have two of them now), that undercurrent of love, the memory of the love and bond that was there before, well, it's not there, so it makes the storms harder to weather.

So, yes, I acknowledge that adolescent angst is a thing all kids go through, but for us, when there is no history of love to help shield us from the angry barbs, it's sometimes like getting a face full of vitriol from a stranger.

Happily though, things are changing, softening. There are more days of peace between the storms -- we are learning how to navigate our individual ships without crashing into each other. Our love is growing,  and our hearts are slowly opening. We all have to let our guards done and be more fearless, and that's the toughest thing to do, isn't it?

Thanks for your support as always,
Mel

Roller coasters!

Haven't written for a while because we've just been living it. This is absolutely the hardest job I've ever done.

The girl is getting more and more used to us and there are longer stretches of calm between the storms, but the storms do come. Last night I got a good solid punch on the arm, but I dealt with it properly by letting it go. I know that she's scared shitless when she feels so frustrated and misunderstood that she loses control of herself.

Last night, after the kids went to bed, the husband and I watched "ReMoved" which is a 12-minute movie about a girl who is taken away from her family after her father is arrested. Her acting out ends up with her living in different foster homes, but the whole movie is from her point of view and I learned so much about what the feelings of the children are and why they explode.

My girl has been through so much that we have no idea about. She was given up by her birth mother within a week of her birth, she was put in an institution, she was taken out of the institution and put in a group home -- something went wrong there, that we don't know about, so she was removed from the group home, then she was institutionalized again, and now she's with us. How can she not feel that no one wants her? How can she not be waiting for us to reject her and send her away again, so she's hardening her heart against us? How can she not be asking herself every day of her life "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "Why does no one want me?"

And yet, and yet. Every morning is a new start. This morning, we greeted her as usual at the breakfast table; I got up to defrost some rice for her because the boy was extra hungry and almost cleaned out the rice cooker. She sat next to me at the table and we all chatted companionably. She asked about dinner and we'd promised her udon and gyoza. The boy whined, because dad also promised stew. I said that tonight we'd have udon and tomorrow stew. The boy whined. The girl said she'd be fine to switch. I thanked her sincerely for her flexibility. She asked the boy to promise that he would do the same for her. He concurred and I was proud of both of them for working it out.

These children amaze me. They have been through so much and they are trying so hard. They are my teachers. I am learning for them and from them.

We are slowly, slowly, making our way towards each other, opening our hearts. There will be storms, but in between there will be sun.

My thanks to all who continue to help me on this journey. You know who you are!

xo
M

things come to a head

So, last night I lost it a bit.

I was tired of the girl ignoring me, answering monosyllabically, and refusing any offers or overtures I made towards her. Finally, we sat down and I told her that I liked her, but I didn't like that she didn't talk to me. My strategy until then had been to leave her alone and let her show her feelings in her own time, but I was wondering all the time what was going on. I'm glad I took the bull by the horns. Later last night, hubby told me that she had said that she felt she was in the way. Poor thing -- she is also having doubts.

This morning, she chatted with me and made eye-contact. When she left, she sang out "bye!" and it was wonderful. Sigh.

Good morning,

So today the girl was a little less prickly than she had been in the past few days. In fact, both the husband and I noticed a tinge of softness about her. We can only hope there is a soft centre inside the hard spiky shell and that love, consistency, routine, and humour will blunt those spikes over time.

The hardest thing is for me not to blame myself for whatever it is I am doing/not doing. She has to go through this -- it's a normal part of the process and we were warned about it.

We move this Sunday. Now everyone will have their own space!

testing, testing, 1-2-3

Hello,

Well, we're two weeks in and the girl is bringing full-on attitude to both of us, although she shows it in different ways. She likes to kick and punch the husband -- she actually likes him a lot, but still holds in a lot of aggression and needs to release it. With me, she avoids eye contact or doesn't answer questions. Last night when she came to bed, she was sitting hunched over on her knees with her arms around her head. I tried to rub her back, but she growled at me. I asked what was wrong, and she said, "I'm not telling you." I answered, "You're not telling me. Okay. Well, if you want to tell me, I'll listen" and left it at that.

This morning, she was a little softer. I realized that it's better just to do than say with her, so I will hold back my compunction to talk a lot and just quietly get on with things. I was cheerful as usual to show her that I'm not mad at her for her behaviour. She doesn't like to be pestered, so instead of asking her again and again if she had taken her morning meds, I asked her only once then simply put a glass of water on the table for her to take them with. I have to remember that this is a stage that she is going through and it's not personal.

It was rough with the boy at first -- for the first 6 months, he wouldn't let me do anything for him. I have to keep that in mind -- now he and I have a pretty nice relationship, and I must and will hope that the girl will eventually come around and let me give her the love and affection she needs.

calm before the storm?

I'm feeling surprisingly calm these days, but perhaps it's because I'm living the life with the new family, rather than worrying about what it was going to be like once the girl got here, like I was before. The kids don't know it, but their bickering and squabbling looks like normal sibling behaviour and makes me smile; I realize that, as the song goes, everything's gonna be all right.

Took the girl to the ceremony at school today where the new teachers and students are introduced and the students find out who their homeroom teachers are. All 9 of the new kids and their parents (except for one brave 3rd grader, who was on her own), met in the principal's office to hand in various paperwork and be told the sequence of events for the morning. One 3rd-grade boy marched in, took a look around at all the moms and loudly said, "The principal's a woman!" The male principal, who was sitting as his desk was pointed out; the boy marched up to him, bowed, and gave his name. The principal stood up and bowed back. It was very cute. Then the boy came to the table to sit, took one look at me and said loudly, "Mom! There's an American here!" I responded with a smile, "I'm Canadian, yo!!"

Someone came in to take our all paperwork and line up the kids to take them to the gym for the ceremony. We moms followed and were lined up in the back of a very cold gym to stand for the duration of the ceremony (45 min) in which various speeches were made, the school song was sung, and the new teachers and students introduced. The girl was first, because she was the oldest of the 9 newbies, and said her name and her former elementary school in a confident loud voice (with the help of a microphone). After that, all the kids left the gym with their homeroom teachers to the motivating sounds of Exile's "Rising Sun".

The girl's teacher told me that I didn't need to go to the class with her, so I went to work and was back in time to be introduced to the new crop of 220 first-year students in my department. When my name was read out, I bowed, and, inspired by my girl, called out "Good morning!" to the new students.

I went to pick the girl up just before lunch. Her teacher met with me and told me that although she was nervous, the other students were kind and welcoming to her and she'll take part in tomorrow's entrance ceremony for the new first-graders (only the sixth-graders attend). As we left, one of her classmates said sang out goodbye to her, which was music to my ears, because she has no friends in our area yet.

I can't attend the elementary school entrance ceremony tomorrow, because I have to our uni's one and read out students' names. Wish me luck and no laryngitis between tonight and tomorrow morning!

moving along

Days to move in the new hours t-13

Last night the kids were acting as if they were true siblings, which made me smile, although they the boy was being deliberately annoying to the girl -- she was responding, in true girl fashion, by being very sharp and snippy with him. Glad to see that their relationship, at least, is coming along.

Actually, she said something snippy to the hub about me, and I was surprised, but took it as a joke. I had asked him to pass me a book and she muttered under her breath in Japanese, "Get it yourself." I didn't hear it, but the hub told me. I acted fake shocked. It won't be long before I get it full in the face from her -- she's been reining it in, I imagine! The other two have been getting it from her, so I'm the last one standing.

I feel two ways about it -- I'll be glad when she starts acting as she really feels, but I'm afraid of how I will react to her anger. I remember what it feels like to be an adolescent (truly, truly awful) and how I took out my crazy hormonal frustration and deep insecurity on my family -- particularly my sister and mother. I think one reason I didn't want to have kids for so long was that I thought I could never withstand the full force of that kind of hate. I'm afraid it's coming my way and I hope I have the resources to deal with it. Sometimes when the boy is whiny, instead of being the adult, I whine back at him or laugh to diffuse the situation -- which it doesn't really.

Anyway, I have to keep reminding myself that it's not personal -- that all kids go through this and that they need a place and people to vent at and family is convenient for that. But, oh, I hope I can get through it without a full breakdown! Hope I can be the adult!

Miracles can happen

So, tonight when I came home, the boy was having a total meltdown. I couldn't go near him. Apparently, when he came home, the hub told him to clean up his desk and that set him off screaming and crying.

After some yelling, the hub left for a run. The boy came into the dining room, took out a tube with some certificates he'd gotten, banged the tube, pulled out the certificates, and began tearing them up. I was making dinner, but stopped when I realized how upset he was. I sat down next to him and did nothing while he ripped up the papers. At one point, when he'd stopped crying, I said, "That's a good way to get out your stress." He surprised me by saying, "I didn't want to do that, but I couldn't stop myself."

He began asking every five minutes when hub would get home. I had no idea, so I said that he was probably having a long run because he was also angry. The boy phoned him, and I was worried that he'd start whining into the phone and the whole thing would start off. To my surprise again, he said, "Dad? I'm sorry." This was the first time I'd ever heard him apologize for his behaviour. I was so proud of him and I told him so.

This whole scene was a good catalyst though. I realized while I was sitting with the boy watching him tear his certificates to bits that our lives had really changed, although I was trying to act like it hadn't. He is stressing out over having to share our attention with the girl and we both need to be around. I apologized to hub for escaping to my office rather than being home to help out with the kids. I will have a big talk with the girl tomorrow, too. I've been watching her and not really communicating. I need to tell her how we want her to be happy, but that it's going to take time for everyone to get used to the new situation. I want her to know that things are going to get better.

Almost forgot -- yesterday was "meet the teachers" day

Hello.

Yesterday, we took the girl to meet her new teachers. She was nervous, I think, but sat through it and answered the teachers' questions as best as she could. We met two special ed teachers -- she'll be going for math and Japanese to their class, but will spend the rest of the time with the other sixth graders. Lucky girl gets to go to Sado Island for her class trip!

The teachers were so kind -- they smiled constantly, asked her a lot of questions in a kindly way, found out about her previous school and tried their best to make her feel welcome and comfortable. They showed pictures of the other children in the special ed class (there are 8 per class -- all grades).  They brought in other teachers who had other information for us (lots of paperwork for the hubster) and those teachers were also kind and one of them knew some of the girl's teachers from the previous school, so mentioned that connection.

We had a short tour of the classrooms and that was all. I'll be taking her to school the first day, but unfortunately have to miss her entrance ceremony, because I have to read out students' names at my uni's entrance ceremony on the same day at the same time. I will absolutely not miss her JHS entrance next year, come hell or high water!

Such nice teachers! Brought tears to my eyes -- I know she'll be in good hands.

On another note while walking in the hall, they asked how hubster and I met -- now all the teachers know... ah well.

Bleah

Happy April Fool's Day!

So, I tried to play a joke on my son. Some background: I was born 6 weeks or so premature, so spent the first 6 weeks of my life in an incubator. After my mother took me home, she was careful to sterilize everything because she was afraid my immune system was very weak. One day, she took me outside to sit on the grass in front of the apartment building we lived in. I ate dog poo. I survived. She stop sterilizing everything.

I made the mistake of telling my son this story. Since then, he often confirms, "Mommy, you ate poo, didn't you?" and also likes to say, almost every day, "I want to eat poo." So since it's April Fool's Day, I thought I'd serve up some peanut butter poo on a plate for his breakfast. My daughter, husband, and I were eating breakfast when he came down and said, "What's this?" I said, "You always say you want to eat poo, so here's some for you." His face was a funny mixture of disbelief and humour and he asked, "Is this real?" I couldn't keep a straight face and burst out laughing. He went away from the table and lay down on the floor in front of the heater. I told him to come and eat his real breakfast, but he wouldn't. I had to take the poo away and apologize to him for the joke. Then he came to the table.

A little while later, I said, "This poo is going to waste! Does anyone want it?" The husband doesn't like to waste money, so said, "I'll eat it." "Mommy should eat it," said the boy. Both husband and I tried it. "It's good," I said; "It tastes like peanut butter cookies." The boy ended up trying it after all. He also thought it was good.

Before leaving for work, I did as I always do, kiss the boy on the head, kiss the girl on the head, kiss the husband on the cheek. The boy started complaining, "Why does she always do things I don't like?" The husband asked what things. Things like poking his bare skin when his pajama top rides up; things like kissing him, things like threatening to bite his bum when he comes out of the shower and prances about naked.

I felt like crying when I got to my office. Sometimes I envy birth parents and the easy physical relationship they have with their children. The boy wouldn't let me touch him for the first six months after we adopted him and still doesn't like hugs and kisses from me, although he'll climb all over the husband to get affection. If I stand behind him, he'll lean on me, and he likes to check my heels for cracks (this is called "foot check"). He also likes to entwine his legs with mine when we're reading together, but no hugs, and no kisses. "Japanese people don't do it," he says.

Sigh.

Still, I will persist in doing what I want. I won't stop. He'll hate it now, but he'll miss it when I'm dead. Yeah, that's what I'll tell him.

Blog starts today

Hello,

So, I've decided to document my foster mom story here for several reasons:

1) to keep a record of the journey for the future when my memory isn't so good (i.e., next week);
2) as a way of keeping my sanity, by putting the crazy thoughts in my head somewhere
3) to inform/amuse/annoy (your choice) my friends and family

To protect the privacy of the fam, I will use aliases. Hubster is Tevye (a nickname my mom and I gave him when we first married), the boy is Taro, and the girl is Naomi. Also to protect the privacy of the children, details about their birth parents will not be shared.

So, we adopted Taro (age 10) 7 years ago. So far, so good. He seems to be a normal boy: whiny, hates homework, addicted to video games and silly shows on TV, prefers western food to Japanese (except he loves natto, the nut). He is also very much the product of early institutionalization: reactive, still wets the bed, wants as much control over the environment and schedule as possible ("Where are we going? How long does it take to get there? When will get we get back?", etc. ad infinitum).

We'd been weekend fostering Naomi (age 11) for about a year and a half. She was usually helpful and sweet, although there were times when she seemed broody and didn't want to do anything. We were told to act normally and not do anything extra special for her, probably so that she could see what she'd be getting into if she agreed to join our family. Her psychiatrist, caseworkers, and caregivers all agreed that she'd be better off with us, so urged her to become a member of our family while still in elementary school, so that she could spend one year getting used to being with us before entering the horror that is elementary school.

Even before she moved in last Saturday, I could see that we would have to keep an eye on Taro also. He was already starting to show distress at having to share us with someone else, although he wanted a sibling (preferably a little brother, however). He seems very sensitive to injustice (as he perceives it) -- if we pay a little too much attention to Naomi, or she gets something he doesn't, he'll let us know by behaving in a way that shows he wants extra attention until he feels balance has been achieved. Preferred method: whining about EVERYTHING.

The other night, for instance, Taro was doing a pretty bad job of washing the dishes. All the while, he was muttering, "I wanted a brother. I don't want a sister" in a stage whisper loud enough for Naomi to hear. After making him re-wash a few items, I told him I'd do and sent him out of the kitchen. After I finished, I sat with him and he chatted about this and that, happy to have my undivided attention.

Last night, too, he was whiny and wanting Tevye's attention, I think because Tevye, Naomi, and another girl had been out in the park for a few hours. There was a lot of yelling and crying. I asked Tevye to give me a ride to the gym and asked Taro if he wanted to go in the car with us. He said yes, as I knew he would. He sat in the front next to Tevye, quiet and well-behaved. After Tevye picked me up I explained that Taro felt an imbalance in attention, and that he had to be mindful of that. Often the two boys act like a pair of goats butting heads, not knowing the other's motivation.

Naomi is pretty open and honest with Tevye, but it's taking longer with me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm foreign and don't speak Japanese that well, or if it's because I'm the mother-figure she's never had and she's going to take longer to trust me. She hides her feelings well, and sometimes I get the sense that she's doing things to please me, like doing a puzzle game this morning while I watched, rather than because she wants to do it. Frankly, when left to her own devices, she'll read a magazine, play games on her 3DS, organize her stuff, or sit and do nothing. When she was visiting on weekends, she seemed to enjoy helping me with baking and I'm trying to teach her to knit, but she didn't want to help with anything or do anything with me yesterday. And I wonder what she expects from me! (I try not to think about that too much, though. I'm prone to self-doubt at the best of times, and I need all my strength and wits about me!)

It's hard for both Tevye and I when she's doing nothing, because I think we feel we should be entertaining her or getting her to do something. We were told not to push her and to just let her get used to the new situation. It's hard for all of us, I think. She doesn't have any friends yet and school doesn't start for another week.

We thought the kids had a breakthrough over the new year's holidays -- they enjoyed playing together and talking to each other when we were in the hot spring hotel, but that's maybe because we were in a neutral space. Now, I catch them eyeing each other and not in a friendly way. "Wary" would be the word I'd use.

This morning, I felt a mixture of guilt and relief when I left the house for my office. No reason for guilt -- Tevye is off work until school starts and prefers playing with kids than hanging with adults (opposite of me); relief, because when I'm in my office, I listen to music or the radio, rather than "I'm bored!" I did print off some yahtzee score pads and instructions and templates for making "Angry Birds" balloons, though...